WHO WE ARE

With the advantages of procreation swinging so heavily in favor of sufficiently-bearded men over the past few years, we’re beginning to observe an unprecedented wave of hatred emerging against the fashion. This comes as no surprise to me given the non-insignificant number of hapless guys who barely managed to graduate from pre-pubescent peach fuzz or those sporting that pitiful follicular patchwork popularized by Anthony Hamilton. Heretofore, the bulk of outcry has been ostensibly rooted in matters of aesthetic, professionalism and propriety. But today, the haters have garnered a more sophisticated ally to promote their animosity in the pseudoscientific community and their unwitting accomplices… the sensationalist international media. Simply Google search the terms “beard” and “germs” today and observe the countless articles providing unflattering commentary on a terribly unscientific Swedish study purporting to essentially establish that beards are gross. The study they cite is insanely problematic. That is to say…. I assume it is trash given that no study paper is available to the public to scrutinize their methods. For those of you not indoctrinated in scientific standards, we perform studies then publish them for review by our peers within the same field of study prior to establishing whether the study itself or its conclusions are valid. We get a lot of meaningless junk science disseminated by the media when people circumvent this process. An exhaustive critique is forthcoming but for the purposes of this light essay, I’ll just briefly itemize the biggest reasons it’s junk. They didn’t even culture beards!! They cultured MRI machines after bearded men and dogs were placed in them and compared what grew. They then went on to establish that what grew in the men’s cases must be because of the beards. Perhaps it’s just that men are dirtier than dogs and if that’s the case, I’d rather be a sexier, dirty man. To clarify, beard-haters come in all races, genders and creeds. Through different mechanisms, the same sexy truth about bearded men makes us the object of scorn for all sexes. While honest men almost universally acknowledge how much well-groomed facial hair significantly augments their attractiveness, oftentimes insecure women who are significant others of those bearded men simply don’t desire “those” problems. Thus, some women have become the most ardent mispogons. This is in stark contrast to the tastes and priorities of roughly 90% of single women on a mission to get chosen. As for all fashion, full beards will one day lose their luster. But for now, hide your girl…hide your wife because the game is cruel. This is just our time just as those with light-skinned reigned in the 80’s and those with braids had it in the 90’s. As Drake once eloquently stated, “jealousy is just love and hate at the same time”. But please don’t hate the player, hate your genetics.